CHILD'S PLAY

Could today's tykes tolerate the classic games you grew up with?  Kids DO say the darndest things...

EGM (Electronic Gaming Monthly) got a bunch of kids together (ages 11 - 13) to play a few "classic" games for a while.  Here are their responses:

PONG  (on an Atari 2600)

Niko:     Hey...[it's] Pong!  My parents played this game.
Brian:     It takes this whole console just to do pong?
Kirk:     What is this?  [Picks up the paddle controller]  Am I controlling the volume?
John:     I'm just going to do this...  [Picks up paddle controller and twists it rapidly]
Tim:     Don't do that, you'll die.
Tim:     I wouldn't pay [money] to play something like this.
John:     I'd sooner jump up and down on one foot.  By the way, is this supposed to be tennis or ping pong?
Becky:     Ping-pong.
Andrew:     This is a lot like that game...  Um...  whatchamacallit...air hockey.
Sheldon:     Except worse.
Andrew:     Blip blip blip blip.
Becky:     I don't even see the point of having sound on this.
Andrew:     Wow.  The score is tied.  It's so exhilarating.

TETRIS (on an NES)

Tim:     Which button do I press to make the blocks explode?
EGM Editors:     Sorry, they don't explode.
Becky:     This is boring.  Maybe if it had different characters and stuff and different levels, it would be OK.  If things blew up or something or...
Sheldon:     --if there were bombs!
Becky:     Yeah!  Or special bricks!  Like if a yellow brick touched a red brick it would blow up and you'd have to start over. 
John:     Why haven't I won yet?  I've paired up so many of the same color.
EGM Editors:     Don't worry about colors.
John:     I just lined up six of the same color.  Why didn't they blow up?
EGM Editors:     Nothing blows up.

DONKEY KONG (on an NES)

Becky:     It looks like Mario that got run over by a car.
Andrew:     Really.  I mean, the man is almost flat.
Gordon:     He's a funny color.
Andrew:     [Gets the hammer power-up]  Hey, that's from Super Smash Brothers!
Tim:     [Gets the umbrella power-up]  Oh, 300 points...  That's it?  All you get is points?  That's lame.  Can't you do something with the umbrella?
John:     Watch out, Tim!  Fire!  It's smarter than you think.
Tim:     It's strange that fire moves in this and has eyes.   Oh no, the fire's coming.  It's going to eat you.  Are these barrels alive, too?  Everything's alive.  And Donkey Kong's mouth is made of "plusses".  Look!  Plus, plus, minus, minus.  They're trying to teach you math by brainwashing you!
Brian:     How can you die from a fall of a whopping 3 inches?
Kirk:     He's only an inch tall.  He's a little short fat guy who eats way too much pizza.
Brian:     Who's that chick Mario is trying to rescue up there?
EGM Editors:     It's Princess Peach.
Kirk:     It's a hooker.
Niko:     She looks cut in half.
Tim:     Oh wow.  She's one of these pole dancers.

PITFALL (on an Atari 2600)

Andrew:     This look 10,000 years old.  Why does he fart when he falls down?
Becky:     He's like an 18th century Tarzan in green tights.
Andrew:     But with a really bad digestive system.

Q-BERT  (on NES)

John:     [Just as Q-Bert dies from touching the jumping snake]  Is he swearing?
Kirk:     Cool!  But I'd be swearing too if I wasted a quarter on this crap.
John:     I swore myself to death.  What do I do now?

MATTEL HANDHELD FOOTBALL  (the 1977 hand-held portable LED game from Mattel)

Brian:     What is this supposed to be?
EGM Editors:     Football.  It's one of the first great portable games.
Brian:     I thought it was "Run Away From the Dots".
EGM Editors:     Which team are you playing?
Kirk:     The red lines.
Tim:     They could have easily called this game anything:  Baseball, Bowling, Escape from the Monsters.
EGM Editors:     Did you score?
Kirk:     I bumped into a dot.

Number of early tech gamers who were owned by these comments: