INVENTIONS I'D LIKE TO SEE (MELVENTIONS)

G-String Panty Liner:

Don't tell me you haven't had to cut that thing down to size with scissors because you didn't want panty lines with those nice tight leather pants.  There's nothing like putting on a G-String WITH the panty liner, removing the entire ensemble once the liner is in place, then cutting around the edges.

NB:  I heard Playtex did something or other with this.  (I thought it up first, tho!)

Diamond Ring Scratch Protector:

I can't count how many times I've practically gouged out my family's eyes with my ring.  Some kind of plastic (easily removable) nub that would keep them safe.

Sandwich Meat Age Detector:

Is it ok to eat or isn't it?  It doesn't LOOK green.  Does it smell funny?  I can't tell.  When did we open this?  Does it smell funny to you?  Will I get Botulism from this salami?  I thought these had preservatives...   All those questions answered with one simple fork with a sensor.

Automatic Front Porch Light (Remote Controlled):

I don't want a motion detector front porch light because it's right by the window and I'll be damned if I'm going to be woken up every twenty minutes because some neighbour's cat jogged by.   No no....this one I want to be able to click a switch from, say, my car and turn it on.  This is for those rare occasions when I've forgotten to turn it on before I left the house or I'm feeling particularly antsy about taking the garbage out in the dark.

Telepathic Alarm Clock:

There are days when you don't really HAVE to wake up until 7:30 but you set your alarm clock for 6:45 anyway, just so you can hit the snooze button a few times.  Wouldn't you rather just sleep right through?  This kind of alarm clock would KNOW the days you absolutely have to be in at work on time for that important meeting and the days when you can flake off a little because the boss is out of town.  Wouldn't that be nice?  (Now if only someone would invent an alarm clock that would call in sick for us, too.)  Ahhhh....

A Microwave That Has No Problem with Metal:

I've accidentally put butter in the microwave that had little bits of metallic packaging on it and BOY did the sparks fly.  Ok, so now we've done that.  Can we have a microwave that doesn't blow up when we put our pans in it?  Please?  I really do have some uses for all those aluminum foil leftovers.

Talking Fridge:

Not the one that says, "Oh do you REALLY think you should be eating that?  You know it's going to go straight to those hips of yours (and they're not getting any smaller)."   I'd have to take a few grenades to that refrigerator.  No, this kind of fridge lets you know when your veggies are getting a little squishy or your milk is low and you need to pick up more.  Even better, it drops a little grocery list for you too.

Transporter:

I hate traffic.  Someone working on this yet?  Chop chop!  Let's go!

Dyes That Don't Run In The Wash:

Is it so very much to ask?  Sort schmort.  Just make me some red shirts that don't turn my husband's underpants pink when I wash them together.

Self-Cleaning Automobile:

Ok if I can't have the transporter, at LEAST give me a car that cleans itself.  C'mon, please?  Can it refill it's own gas, too?  Better yet, a car that runs on nothing at all.  That'd work.  Saves on oil prices.

Glow In The Dark Pen That Lights Up When You Press Down On Paper

Okay, first you have to find the pen, hence the glow-in-the-dark -- maybe one of those charge in the daylight kind of jobbies -- then, now that you've found your writing utensil, as you press down on paper it lights the tip just a little so you can read what you're actually writing.  This would be great for all those people who come up with fabulous ideas in the middle of the night, but don't actually want to scramble around the house for a writing utensil or turn on the light and suffer grievous eye pain.

Underwater Walkman

Okay, why do I never want to do laps?  Because all I have for 45 minutes swimming baaaaaaaaaack and forth and baaaaaaaaaaaaaack and forth is my own voice in my head droning on and on about crap that has no place in a swimming pool or in my head in general.  (It's really amazing how many times you can recycle the first line of the "Three's Company" tune.  I watched that show for years -- you'd think I'd have remembered more than one line.)  So great.  Get an underwater Walkman, crank up the tunes, and the minutes go by effortlessly, you groove while you Butterfly.

NB:  I ah...heard Sony made one of these.  I'm thinking they were snarfing ideas off my site.

Permanent Hair Remover Lotion

I've seen so many commercials that blasphemously use the word 'permanent' -- a pox on them all!  I think you should be able to harness whatever it is that causes baldness, isolate it, and be able to use it as a lotion to remove unwanted hair in specific areas of the body.   And I mean permanently.  None of that 6 weeks stuff.  (They always exaggerate the times, too)
 

Now if only I could make money off these ideas: